Him, He, Them, Death.

   I'm foolish. Happiness has always eluded me, but most recently it has disappeared completely. I've figured out why this is, the only thing that can take away my happiness is others. Oh, you say death can take away happiness? No, death gives happiness. That's why, before I met the latest him I would sit on the edge of my bed with the knife I keep in my drawer against my throat, an arm eager to pull. Everyone I've tried to seek comfort with tends to some how be torn away from me by a twist of fate. Except one, the first one. Damien wanted the opposite of away, resulting in bruising on my wrists from his hands and bloody knuckles from slamming him across his face in self defense. I should have told someone about what he tried to do to me, but this time fate was in my favor. He moved to Toronto the following week. This blog is for thoughts and feelings.That's what I'm doing. Friends still to those who harm, remember?

   I have a feeling tonight the knife will be out of the drawer again, lingering. I never do it though, obviously. I get stopped by my thoughts of people who care. The short list. Listen to me, I really do sound like an idiotic teenage girl.
"Oh no dear me, I was wrong to think love could find me! Oh woe!"
Funny.
If I was a flower, depression and loneliness have deflowered me. I should stay with my books, they never hurt me, merely make me reflect. How doth the little crocodile improve her shinning tail? Ah, in my case, die. Fate is kind, she brings to those who love? Ah, in my case, when I try to love Fate twists me. Killing me slowly. Causes the ones who deflowered me so forcefully. Sometimes when I'm by myself in bed in a half dazed state, I ask Death for advice. I ask Death to appear, to either take me or give me a reason why he won't take me. He never responds, but if it is true when people say that dreams have meaning, what did my dream mean when Death was there? He stood tall, a red rose young and healthy in one hand and in the other, a white withered rose. Can Death speak? Or does Death merely show? Was the red rose me on the outside, and the white rose on the inside?

   In conclusion, I am lost.
Yours until death due us part,
A clinically depressed author.

The Empty Ape

   I'm worthless, aren't I? I'll never amount to anything so why am I trying, why am I making an effort? I can help the people around me with their problems, relationships, family issues, but what about me. Who is going to help me with something I can hardly confess about to myself. I went for a walk around the school today in my last period class, I've never took a walk before. What made me take a walk now? All I did was walk around the practically empty halls alone at an oddly slow pace. I just talked in my head. They say we all have a purpose but what is my purpose? I'm never going to make a dent in society, nothing will be provided by me being here on this Earth; all I am is a walking ape.

   That's not true, there are people who'd be willing to help the walking ape with whatever demon is ailing it, but will I let them. I'm not useful in any way.

   Crying is dumb, all it does is sting your eyes and make your face wet and red. So when I'm done writing this, I will climb into bed and not move. I'll only get up for food and the bathroom. Or I could go to the forest and walk. I think I'll go to the forest, then dissolve to the nothing I've always been when I come back.

Sincerely,
A clinically depressed author